Early morning sunrises and coffee make me happy. I remember a couple of years ago driving back to school early on Monday mornings and soaking up the sunset. I was not upset that I had a two hour drive ahead of me, that it was early, or two or three classes later that day. All I was paying attention to was the way the sun was rising in the east. Maybe it was the way the light penetrated the darkness and brought warmth to the cool air that brought a smile to my face. I like to think that it had something to do with being in the presence of God. I loved seeing the sun rise in the morning.
The only problem was I hardly ever see the sun rise any more.
I think it would be safe to say that happiness is associated with light and depression is equated to darkness. We always see light associate with good things. Which then makes darkness bad. I feel like the light or happiness is having a hard time penetrating the darkness or depression. Unfortunately it seems that depression and fear are easier to be consumed with then happiness and trust. Depression for me is fear of the unknown, the uncertainty that plays in my head about the future. This darkness over takes my vision and I find myself stumbling around with my hands in front of my trying to find my way. I get momentary glimpses of light to see where I am headed but just as I start to see darkness creeps in and takes over.
Why is it that depression is more prevalent then happiness?
Depression and Exercising
I use to weight 181lbs. I was in great shape and was working out every day. Now I weigh 194lbs and haven’t done a push up in five months. I am afraid to even see if I can do ten push ups and bench 100lbs. It took me so long to get at a certain level of strength and fitness and yet it disappeared so fast. I often wish that it was in reverse. I wish the same could be said about happiness and the anxiety of fear. Happiness seems to be very fleeting and hopeless (Ya, I just compared something that is happy to something that is depressing). I wish it was different. But it is almost like you have to work harder to find happiness in life. But depression seems to be there for the taking. You can see why the Spring the amount of suicides goes up. I was reminded of this yesterday when a friend of my sisters committed suicide on his college campus. You would think winter is the time for most suicides, but experts say that spring time is the highest because Spring is the time when things are suppose to get better, you are suppose to feel happier, instead you feel the same, you feel hopeless. I wish depression wasn’t so easy to fall into.
This season of my life seems to have its ups and downs. And where there is happiness there seems to be depression. What I am learning daily is how to deal with depression, at least the depression that I struggle with, anxiety and fear. I am learning to be patient about what is to come. And after 8 months of learning this patience, I think God is still teaching me.
Its easy to think about the future, but very hard to live in the present.
How are you living in the present?