Feeling Fertile
My friends have been popping out babies like no tomorrow. Seriously, get cable or something, but slow your role. I am happy for you, but I feel left out or something. To be honest, lately I have been feeling fertile. No, I am not talking actually having a baby, I am talking more about babies in general. In the last 4 months I have had 5 friends have kids. All of these friends are my age (23) and all of them have been married for about 2-3 years. I am not player hating, I am just amazed at how the pregnant bug spreads faster then swine flu. In all of this baby making I feel pretty left out.
When someone else is doing something, you want in on the action. The way I know this is true is by twitter. I read peoples tweets all day, and am constantly in tweetnvy. Wanting to be the one going to concerts, or eating at that restaurant, or writing that blog post, etc…I am constantly hearing about what other people are doing and becoming jealous all at the same time. There is no except for all my friends that are married and are now having babies. I went through this 3 years ago when all my friends were getting married. There is only so many weddings you can be in and go to and not feel like the loser that never catches the garner. I started to really wonder if I was going to be the third wheel friend that never gets married. That kind of went away when I realized that it really was not that bad and the upside was that I had a lot of freedom to do things. Well, that feeling is back. After hearing about all of my friends having babies I start to really wonder when my time will come. But I really start to wonder if there is something wrong with me?
This is not a “pity party for Kyle” post, no it is more of a self reflection that I think we can all identify with. I have come to realize that what I want is never enough. I am in constant search for more, and when I get what I was looking for I often find that it is not enough. I think my biggest problem with feeling like I have accomplished so little is that I was taught by the world says that you are one step away from looking perfect, feeling perfect, or all of the above and often you are left wanting more. I feel like the church teaches that you have grown up when you get married and have kids. When I see my friends doing this and realize that I am so far away from that I feel like the 16 yr old kid in 8th grade, like I was held back in life. You just start to wonder if you are doing something wrong.
This is a constant battle for me. I have a hard time not judging myself by other peoples standards. Keeping pace with the Jones is what I believe it is called. If I was to look at others standards of where their life is right now I am way behind. In fact I am so far behind that I feel like I have not even taken off. But I do not feel alone in this marathon called life. I think we all do this. We all look at what each other accomplishes, or how many kids “so in so” has and what kind of house they live in and compare ourselves to them. Isn’t that the American way, look at other people and then see where you stand?
I love babies. I love the how small they are and how they have that baby smell (the good clean smell, not the dirty smell). I just love babies. Maybe because my mom use to run the nursery at our church and I would help her out every Sunday, or maybe it is just unnatural for a human to not love babies. I just love babies. But I think I am more in love with the thought of a baby instead of an actual baby. I think sometimes I find myself drawn to the idea of having a baby and what my life would be like then. You know, I would have a wife, a house, a dog named Jack, and a job. I still love babies and love to hold them, but I can get more caught up in what a baby symbolizes rather then the baby itself.
We all feel fertile at some time. Capable of producing grandiose ideas of what life could be like. But that is not what God has called you and me to live like. He has not called us to live someone else life, or to envy what they have. He has called us to be ourselves and to be who He has created us to be.
You might feel fertile now, but is it an envious fertile? One that wants the “success” or life of another?
Or are we feeling fertile in a way that God has created us to be? In a way that uses what God has given us now to bring glory and honor to His name?
*kyle
@kylereed (1)
Jason Vana (1)
