Early morning sunrises and coffee make me happy. I remember a couple of years ago driving back to school early on Monday mornings and soaking up the sunset. I was not upset that I had a two hour drive ahead of me, that it was early, or two or three classes later that day. All I was paying attention to was the way the sun was rising in the east. Maybe it was the way the light penetrated the darkness and brought warmth to the cool air that brought a smile to my face. I like to think that it had something to do with being in the presence of God. I loved seeing the sun rise in the morning.
The only problem was I hardly ever see the sun rise any more.

I think it would be safe to say that happiness is associated with light and depression is equated to darkness. We always see light associate with good things.  Which then makes darkness bad. I feel like the light or happiness is having a hard time penetrating the darkness or depression. Unfortunately it seems that depression and fear are easier to be consumed with then happiness and trust. Depression for me is fear of the unknown, the uncertainty that plays in my head about the future. This darkness over takes my vision and I find myself stumbling around with my hands in front of my trying to find my way. I get momentary glimpses of light to see where I am headed but just as I start to see darkness creeps in and takes over.
Why is it that depression is more prevalent then happiness?
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If I had a nickle for every time I saw someone say on twitter “this is a must read……..” I would own an iPad right now.
It seems that everyday I read 6 or 7 post that are deemed “must read.” And you know what I have realized after I have read these post, I really didn’t need to read them.

My Marriage to Twitter and Blogging

Its been more of a codependent relationship then a loving and giving relationship. I feel like that couple in high school that is only happy if the other one is happy. I have the hardest time shutting down twitter during the day. Why? Because I am afraid that I might miss something. That a must read tweet that could change my future, could go unread.
I have the hardest time not reading blogs in the morning. Why? Because I could be missing out on a blog post that could change my life. You can see why I have this codependent relationship, its almost like I need these things to feel complete. Wow, I can’t believe I just typed that.

Sometimes the most important thing you can read is nothing at all.

Does anyone else feel the same way?

*kyle

At least according to the number of people talking about the health care reform last night on twitter and the amount of CSPAN Virgins like myself I can only guess that the ratings went through the roof. And to be honest the broadcast delivered in entertainment value. In all reality I really had no clue what was going on. But watching the passion of people yelling “No” and others interrupting speeches was laughable.

Apart from religion, politics is the most dividing thing for people. It goes as far as classifying things as right or left, liberal or conservative, and Yea or Nay (we live in the 21st century folks, English please). The passion that went into some of those tweets last night was amazing. It reminds me of something an old lady would say to me (I want to say my Grandma, but she has never said this to me) “if you read your Bible as much as you played video games you would know a whole lot about the Bible.” I think the same can be said about the passion that people put into blog post and tweets. Sometimes there is more passion and energy in saying something then actually doing something. I will be the first to say that I am very very very guilty of this. It is a shame that politics can bring out such passion and anger.

I am very torn on this issue. (more…)

Did you know that I use to play for the St. Louis Cardinals? I was their starting shortstop and was pretty good. Well, at least in my imagination I played for the St. Louis Cardinals. In fact, as a kid, I played for the Boston Bruins, St. Louis Blues (I was traded by the Bruins to the Blues), and was a wrestler for the WWF. I had a big imagination as a kid. It went as far as me wearing goalie gear and hitting a ball up against the wall and making saves. In my mind I was getting a chance to live out my imagination. But, when I actually saw the truth, my imagination disappeared along with my dreams.

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I started to read Donald Miller’s new book yesterday. I quickly finished about 50 pages and was feeling like he was speaking directly to me about one thing, my life. Hitting on a nerve that seems to be very tender at the moment, I was faced with questions that seemed to have no answers. Have you ever read a book and come away more confused then enlightened?
I like what Rob Bell had to say about Don’s new book:
“If someone tells you they’ve read this book and they ‘enjoyed it’ or they ‘liked it’ or they think it’s a ‘good book’ then maybe they didn’t read it–its well written and funny and      interesting and all that, but it’s also disturbing, really, really disturbing. Don is into provocative territory here, wrestling with The Story and the role each of our stories play in it….it is very convicting, powerful, unsettling writing. I felt like this book read me more than I read it.

Have you ever wanted to push pause on a book and ask the author a question?
This happens to me all the time. I get so frustrated with not having all the answers that I want to find out exactly what the author was trying to say. I imagine the conversation going something like this, “could you expound on that thought a little more” or “could you break it down for a brotha.” Giving text a chance to breathe is a necessity for me. Often times I rush over a sentence or even a word and miss the entire meaning of the paragraph in my efforts to finish the chapter and the book. I drew a big pause button in Don’s book, I thought it needed to be added. I had to remind myself to slow down and soak up each word, I didn’t want to miss anything about finding my Story, and ultimately my life.

After reading a couple of pages, I to feel that my story meant nothing. If you haven’t read the book I apologize, if you have, you know what I am talking about. In the beginning chapter Don starts to talk about finding the meaning to life in nature, then in a girl, then in a family, etc…as I sat there reading these couple of paragraphs all I could think about was how I wanted that story, I wanted someone else story. Someone who has figured out what they are doing, someone who has a wife and kids and a dog named Jack Bauer. I realized that my story wasn’t much to read or look at and others seemed to be telling a better story. These couple of paragraphs have been paused for the last couple hours. I continue to ask the question in my head, “what if I want someone else story?

I mauled this over for the better part of the night. Thinking about what my story is unfolding, wondering how God is unfolding the narrative that we call life. I cannot help but wonder how many other people are wondering the same thing. “If only I could do….” “If I just had what they had.” “My life would be easy if it was like….” And yet I realize that at this moment all those excuses get in the way of our story. The story that God is writing, the story that we are using to share the hope and salvation that Christ has given us, the story that brings life to others. The fear that grips us when we are called to live out our story can be great enough to hold us back from diving in. I pray that we do not lose our story because we think it is boring or pointless, I pray that you and I can see the story unfolding, the redemptive plan that God is unfolding, and that we can continue to share our story with others.

“The Truth is, if what we choose to do with our lives won’t make a story meaningful, it won’t make a life meaningful either.”-Donald Miller’s A thousand miles in a Million Years
Live out your story

How is God using your story to share with others?

Seeing that today is September 11th and all the emotion that comes with that date I couldn’t help but blog about the events that took place 8 years ago today.
I was a sophomore in high school, and much like this guy I was in class, actually it was history class. The events that were announced over the intercom that day changed the world forever, but at the time I did not realize that history was being made that day and people would be learning about this day in history class 20 years from now (kind of ironic).

There are all kinds of emotions that center around 9/11. Emotions of hate and anger, emotions of sadness and fear. But also the emotion of pride and patriotism. What made 9/11 a victory for America was the uniting that took place after the tragic events of the day. People were joined together not by race or creed, but by the simple idea that we were all in this together and were there for each other. What a beautiful picture that was painted. Inside of tragedy people found themselves united in brotherly love that can only come from tragedy.

I was reading in Joel this morning (chapter 1) and realized that God was calling for a repentance of the nation, not just the individual. We as Americans love the idea of focusing on personal repentance, owning up to our own sins and confessing our sins to God. But the buck stops there, we usually do not take the blame for others sins. Usually we worry about ourselves and leave it at that.

God called for something different, something foreign to us. He called for the whole nation to repent. Not just one person, but everyone. I started writing down the sins of the community, then the church, then of a country, then of the world. Weird I know, but what stuck out to me the most was that through these sins we were all connected in this time of confession. We all stand under the umbrella of sin, under the idea that not one of us is perfect and free from death and punishment.

If only we could understand that it is not we Americans or Europeans, but we the World. We are all joined together under the commonality that we are sinners. Yes, because we are sinners bad things are going to happen. Brothers are going to kill brothers, people are going to run planes into buildings and kids are going to starve to death. Yet we are all capable of these great atrocities, we are sinner united under the umbrella of the world and of sin.

You do not hear much about September the 12th or 13th, but these were the days that Americans realized that we were all joined together united by the patriotism of  America. The sad thing is these days are not celebrated, partially because this is no longer a reality. Now we are divided not united by political party, or religious belief, forgetting that we are united under the umbrella of sin that covers all men, we look to each other as enemies and not brothers. Forgetting that we are all in need of a Savior that did not come for America (sorry all you republican crazies that think Jesus only cares for your party) but came for the whole world.

I don’t need to go all John 3:16 on you here, but remember today that we are joined together. A world of sinners trying to follow a perfect God and live under the umbrella of grace.

Let’s remember September 11th 2001 but lets also remember the day that changed everything for the world. The day that the veil was torn and Grace was shown to the entire world.

*Kyle

Its been no secret that war bothers me a little bit. We have had some great discussions on the topic of war and peace. This post is not necessarily about the ethics of war, its more about the brutality of the cross.

Today at church, I was reminded of the brutality of the cross and the devastating price that Christ paid for our forgiveness and freedom from fear.
The communion meditation involved a very vivid story about Normandy France and the events that took place on Tuesday, the 6th of June 1944, otherwise known as D-Day. It was a chilling account of death and the brutality of war. The speaker made a very interesting contrast between the price American Soldiers paid for our freedom and the price Christ paid for our freedom on the cross.

Leaving my opinions aside, what do you think about this very interesting contrast?
Are they the same or separate? Good illustration or disturbing?

*kyle

“The most terrible poverty is loneliness, and the feeling of being unloved”
-Mother Teresa

Loneliness is a problem, it is something that no one should ever feel or deal with. And yet, the reason we can sympathize with Mother Teresa and ones that are lonely is because we have all been there ourselves. At some point in life we have felt the deep and suppressing feeling of loneliness.
I was all alone yesterday. Standing in the open with no one around to join me.

“How Can I Pray For You?//http://bit.ly/OsKkb” This was the tweet that greeted me Tuesday morning from Loswhit. It really caught me off guard. For a brief second I thought he was referring to my post I published the day before called “prayer service” where I called for people to leave comments on how I and others could pray for them. It was a pretty simple task and was hoping that we could all meet up on Thursday at 4 and pray together. Why did I think he was referring to my post? When I published the post I also sent out an email to everyone in my address book, which loswhit just so happened to be in my address book because he emailed me about calling him a whore (long story). I clicked the link hoping for the best, what I got was not exactly what I was looking for. This was where the link took me.

Now I will be honest, I got the idea from loswhit, I even blogged about the last time he had a prayer service and he blogged about me here.
I already understood that I was stealing from him. But when I opened up his page and realized that he was doing the exact same thing as me my heart kind of sank. I knew immediately that I couldn’t compete with the beast that was carlos whittaker. Needless to say, he got 121 comments and I got 3.

You are probably sitting there thinking, “are you kidding me Kyle, you are upset because someone got more prayer request than you?”
Great point, trust me I said the same thing to myself. Selfishly I would have loved to had tons of people want me to pray for them. But that really was not my motive when I posted the idea for the prayer service. I knew that there were several friends without jobs, other friends who just had a baby, and other friends that really needed prayer (including myself). This was the reason for the prayer service. The deflation became the issue  because I had pretty high expectations of what it could have been (based on how it went in the past with other prayer services) and was hoping to spend hours praying with people.

I know that God can listen to everyone’s prayers. And no, I do not think I am the only one who should be allowed to pray for others. What hit me in the gut was the reality that I would be lucky to have 10 prayer request compared to 110 and that others wanted Carlos to pray for them and not me. But I went about my way and decided to go through with the prayer service even if the only person that was going to join me was my dog (all dogs go to heaven). Well that was about how many people showed up. It was me and my sister. The funny thing about it was that she was in the room next to me watching while I was praying over my web cam. Pretty humbling….

Inside of my loneliness I realized that it wasn’t about me. Pretty crazy idea? Prayer is not about you. But really, that was what prayer had been for me in the past. I was going to pray and people were going to be helped and all was going to be right in the world. But in reality I sat in my room alone, getting ready to pray in front of an audience of one. This hit me like a ton of bricks. And as I sat there debating on praying or not, I realized that at that moment I was missing the point completely. I had to get back to my original intent of the prayer service, to lift up the needs of others to a loving and gracious God.

I prayed for you yesterday. Yes, each and everyone one of you. I realized that at that moment I was going to do what I said I was going to do, pray. And that is what I did. For 30 minutes I sat there in my office chair and prayed out loud in front of a computer screen. It was so boring that my sister stopped watching after a couple of minutes. It is funny for me to type this out. Because I can almost hear what people are saying right now, “you got upset because no one showed up?” Ya at first I did, but then I realized that I do not pray to any of you, I pray to a loving and gracious God.

Thank You Carlos for being you and having the desire to care for others and lift them up in prayer.
Because of this I was able to get back to why I pray and who I pray too. Not to you, or a statue, or a person, but I pray to a God that hears prayers and loves His children.
Sometimes you just have to laugh at yourself for trying to get ahead of God by doing what you think is a good thing.

*Kyle