I think it would be safe to say that happiness is associated with light and depression is equated to darkness. We always see light associate with good things.  Which then makes darkness bad. I feel like the light or happiness is having a hard time penetrating the darkness or depression. Unfortunately it seems that depression and fear are easier to be consumed with then happiness and trust. Depression for me is fear of the unknown, the uncertainty that plays in my head about the future. This darkness over takes my vision and I find myself stumbling around with my hands in front of my trying to find my way. I get momentary glimpses of light to see where I am headed but just as I start to see darkness creeps in and takes over.
Why is it that depression is more prevalent then happiness?

Depression and Exercising

I use to weight 181lbs. I was in great shape and was working out every day. Now I weigh 194lbs and haven’t done a push up in five months. I am afraid to even see if I can do ten push ups and bench 100lbs. It took  me so long to get at a certain level of strength and fitness and yet it disappeared so fast. I often wish that it was in reverse. I wish the same could be said about happiness and the anxiety of fear. Happiness seems to be very fleeting and hopeless (Ya, I just compared something that is happy to something that is depressing). I wish it was different. But it is almost like you have to work harder to find happiness in life. But depression seems to be there for the taking. You can see why the Spring the amount of suicides goes up. I was reminded of this yesterday when a friend of my sisters committed suicide on his college campus. You would think winter is the time for most suicides, but experts say that spring time is the highest because Spring is the time when things are suppose to get better, you are suppose to feel happier, instead you feel the same, you feel hopeless. I wish depression wasn’t so easy to fall into.

This season of my life seems to have its ups and downs. And where there is happiness there seems to be depression. What I am learning daily is how to deal with depression, at least the depression that I struggle with, anxiety and fear. I am learning to be patient about what is to come. And after 8 months of learning this patience, I think God is still teaching me.

Its easy to think about the future, but very hard to live in the present.

How are you living in the present?

*kyle

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If I had a nickle for every time I saw someone say on twitter “this is a must read……..” I would own an iPad right now.
It seems that everyday I read 6 or 7 post that are deemed “must read.” And you know what I have realized after I have read these post, I really didn’t need to read them.

My Marriage to Twitter and Blogging

Its been more of a codependent relationship then a loving and giving relationship. I feel like that couple in high school that is only happy if the other one is happy. I have the hardest time shutting down twitter during the day. Why? Because I am afraid that I might miss something. That a must read tweet that could change my future, could go unread.
I have the hardest time not reading blogs in the morning. Why? Because I could be missing out on a blog post that could change my life. You can see why I have this codependent relationship, its almost like I need these things to feel complete. Wow, I can’t believe I just typed that.

Sometimes the most important thing you can read is nothing at all.

Does anyone else feel the same way?

*kyle

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Apart from religion, politics is the most dividing thing for people. It goes as far as classifying things as right or left, liberal or conservative, and Yea or Nay (we live in the 21st century folks, English please). The passion that went into some of those tweets last night was amazing. It reminds me of something an old lady would say to me (I want to say my Grandma, but she has never said this to me) “if you read your Bible as much as you played video games you would know a whole lot about the Bible.” I think the same can be said about the passion that people put into blog post and tweets. Sometimes there is more passion and energy in saying something then actually doing something. I will be the first to say that I am very very very guilty of this. It is a shame that politics can bring out such passion and anger.

I am very torn on this issue.

Reasons I love this bill:

1. People can get help that need help
2. I can stay on my parents health insurance for a couple more years. Which in effect can be a negative thing (see this tweet and reasons why I do not like this bill number 3)
3. Canada cannot make fun of us anymore
4. Being a Women no longer means that you have a pre-existing medical condition (ask Nancy about that one)
5. We are sticking it to the man (the insurance companies. except for they will just stick it back and raise insurance rates)

Reasons I DO NOT love this bill:

1. Premiums rise out of control
2. The issue is still not fixed
3. I will not be getting married until I am 26 now because of the ability to stay on my parents insurance
4. We will run out of doctors
5. The ER will be flooded with people who have a cough (okay that might be a stretch)

In all reality this bill is great in theory.
Yahoo News had this to say:

Americans who lack it (health insurance), ban insurers from denying coverage on the basis of pre-existing medical conditions and cut deficits by an estimated $138 billion over a decade. If realized, the expansion of coverage would include 95 percent of all eligible individuals under age 65.

That sounds great, people will get help and no longer be held out of help because they have heart conditions or are born with pre-existing medical issues. But in all reality we know that someone will pay for all of this, most likely it will be tax payers.

Now I do not claim to be an expert about any of this stuff. Really I write this to bring up one thing that controls all of this passion and anger…FEAR.

The control of the unknown both in politics and religion cause people to say some crazy things. Stuff like “because of this bill passing Jesus is coming back” or things like “do we think we might actually pay attention and vote in the next election? Or are we just planning on being sheep?” That kind of stuff seems to be said in a great deal of emotion and really in fear.
Unfortunately fear has led us to do some crazy things. Remember September 11th 2001 and waiting in line for hours to get gas? Or how about the fear that if I do not act the right way or say the right things I will not go to heaven.

Fear causes people to vote for certain candidates and causes us to take stands against “religious” matters that causes us to choose sides and therefore separate people inside  and outside the church.
Fear can control our lives.

Is there something that is happening right now that fear is controlling?

*kyle

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Kids have amazing imaginations. I love to hear what they are thinking about, who they want to be, and what they have been doing. They always put a new spin on something that has become old to me. Shane Hipps talked about this idea in his book Flickering Pixels

“The mind was made to generate, create, and imagine. Creative imagination is a fundamental stage of brain development that begins very early in life. Kids naturally learn how to pretend. So when the mind generates a vast array of imagined pictures to bring a story to life, and then has them summarily replaced by the images of a movie, it is deeply unsatisfying.” (Pg 80 of Flickering Pixels)

I remember the day my dream was popped. I was about 15 and realized that playing for the St. Louis Cardinals was not going to happen. I wasn’t good enough, fast enough, big enough, and honestly lucky enough. Reality set in and my dream was set outside along with the trash to be taken and thrown away. I hated that day I lost my innocence. I lost my dream at age 15 and have had a hard time dreaming ever since.

Do you dream about the future? Do you ever just sit at home and think about what it is going to be like five years from now? I like to do this with ideas. Often times I come with grand ideas, ideas that I think are genius (naturally). The problem with me and ideas is that I get caught up dreaming. I move so far forward and the potential of what could be that I never start the idea. Dreaming has killed many ideas of mine. But in reality another reason why ideas are killed is because the dreams I have seem as far fetched as me flying (I am hoping to literally have this dream very soon in my sleep, working on it now). I have lost my innocence on dreaming because I know reality, I know what it takes to do something, I know that others have better ideas then I do and in turn God will use them over me.

I kill me dreams all the time because I wake up. You ever been in a great dream and wake up in the middle of it? I do this all the time, usually it centers around me being married or being in a band. I feel like these dreams are real, like I am actually doing this, and then I wake up and look around and see an empty dark room and realize that I was dreaming again. John Mayer is right, “when you are dreaming with a broken heart, Waking Up is the hardest part.”

My hope today is that we continue to dream in the reality of God and not get caught up in the reality of the world.

Here is a dream that is taking off because it is letting God do the dreaming:
-Jon Acuff is raising 60,000 to building schools (the community raised 30 in 18 hours)

Is there a dream that you have given up on?
*Kyle

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Have you ever wanted to push pause on a book and ask the author a question?
This happens to me all the time. I get so frustrated with not having all the answers that I want to find out exactly what the author was trying to say. I imagine the conversation going something like this, “could you expound on that thought a little more” or “could you break it down for a brotha.” Giving text a chance to breathe is a necessity for me. Often times I rush over a sentence or even a word and miss the entire meaning of the paragraph in my efforts to finish the chapter and the book. I drew a big pause button in Don’s book, I thought it needed to be added. I had to remind myself to slow down and soak up each word, I didn’t want to miss anything about finding my Story, and ultimately my life.

After reading a couple of pages, I to feel that my story meant nothing. If you haven’t read the book I apologize, if you have, you know what I am talking about. In the beginning chapter Don starts to talk about finding the meaning to life in nature, then in a girl, then in a family, etc…as I sat there reading these couple of paragraphs all I could think about was how I wanted that story, I wanted someone else story. Someone who has figured out what they are doing, someone who has a wife and kids and a dog named Jack Bauer. I realized that my story wasn’t much to read or look at and others seemed to be telling a better story. These couple of paragraphs have been paused for the last couple hours. I continue to ask the question in my head, “what if I want someone else story?

I mauled this over for the better part of the night. Thinking about what my story is unfolding, wondering how God is unfolding the narrative that we call life. I cannot help but wonder how many other people are wondering the same thing. “If only I could do….” “If I just had what they had.” “My life would be easy if it was like….” And yet I realize that at this moment all those excuses get in the way of our story. The story that God is writing, the story that we are using to share the hope and salvation that Christ has given us, the story that brings life to others. The fear that grips us when we are called to live out our story can be great enough to hold us back from diving in. I pray that we do not lose our story because we think it is boring or pointless, I pray that you and I can see the story unfolding, the redemptive plan that God is unfolding, and that we can continue to share our story with others.

“The Truth is, if what we choose to do with our lives won’t make a story meaningful, it won’t make a life meaningful either.”-Donald Miller’s A thousand miles in a Million Years
Live out your story

How is God using your story to share with others?

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There are all kinds of emotions that center around 9/11. Emotions of hate and anger, emotions of sadness and fear. But also the emotion of pride and patriotism. What made 9/11 a victory for America was the uniting that took place after the tragic events of the day. People were joined together not by race or creed, but by the simple idea that we were all in this together and were there for each other. What a beautiful picture that was painted. Inside of tragedy people found themselves united in brotherly love that can only come from tragedy.

I was reading in Joel this morning (chapter 1) and realized that God was calling for a repentance of the nation, not just the individual. We as Americans love the idea of focusing on personal repentance, owning up to our own sins and confessing our sins to God. But the buck stops there, we usually do not take the blame for others sins. Usually we worry about ourselves and leave it at that.

God called for something different, something foreign to us. He called for the whole nation to repent. Not just one person, but everyone. I started writing down the sins of the community, then the church, then of a country, then of the world. Weird I know, but what stuck out to me the most was that through these sins we were all connected in this time of confession. We all stand under the umbrella of sin, under the idea that not one of us is perfect and free from death and punishment.

If only we could understand that it is not we Americans or Europeans, but we the World. We are all joined together under the commonality that we are sinners. Yes, because we are sinners bad things are going to happen. Brothers are going to kill brothers, people are going to run planes into buildings and kids are going to starve to death. Yet we are all capable of these great atrocities, we are sinner united under the umbrella of the world and of sin.

You do not hear much about September the 12th or 13th, but these were the days that Americans realized that we were all joined together united by the patriotism of  America. The sad thing is these days are not celebrated, partially because this is no longer a reality. Now we are divided not united by political party, or religious belief, forgetting that we are united under the umbrella of sin that covers all men, we look to each other as enemies and not brothers. Forgetting that we are all in need of a Savior that did not come for America (sorry all you republican crazies that think Jesus only cares for your party) but came for the whole world.

I don’t need to go all John 3:16 on you here, but remember today that we are joined together. A world of sinners trying to follow a perfect God and live under the umbrella of grace.

Let’s remember September 11th 2001 but lets also remember the day that changed everything for the world. The day that the veil was torn and Grace was shown to the entire world.

*Kyle

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Today at church, I was reminded of the brutality of the cross and the devastating price that Christ paid for our forgiveness and freedom from fear.
The communion meditation involved a very vivid story about Normandy France and the events that took place on Tuesday, the 6th of June 1944, otherwise known as D-Day. It was a chilling account of death and the brutality of war. The speaker made a very interesting contrast between the price American Soldiers paid for our freedom and the price Christ paid for our freedom on the cross.

Leaving my opinions aside, what do you think about this very interesting contrast?
Are they the same or separate? Good illustration or disturbing?

*kyle

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“The most terrible poverty is loneliness, and the feeling of being unloved”
-Mother Teresa

Loneliness is a problem, it is something that no one should ever feel or deal with. And yet, the reason we can sympathize with Mother Teresa and ones that are lonely is because we have all been there ourselves. At some point in life we have felt the deep and suppressing feeling of loneliness.
I was all alone yesterday. Standing in the open with no one around to join me.

“How Can I Pray For You?//http://bit.ly/OsKkb” This was the tweet that greeted me Tuesday morning from Loswhit. It really caught me off guard. For a brief second I thought he was referring to my post I published the day before called “prayer service” where I called for people to leave comments on how I and others could pray for them. It was a pretty simple task and was hoping that we could all meet up on Thursday at 4 and pray together. Why did I think he was referring to my post? When I published the post I also sent out an email to everyone in my address book, which loswhit just so happened to be in my address book because he emailed me about calling him a whore (long story). I clicked the link hoping for the best, what I got was not exactly what I was looking for. This was where the link took me.

Now I will be honest, I got the idea from loswhit, I even blogged about the last time he had a prayer service and he blogged about me here.
I already understood that I was stealing from him. But when I opened up his page and realized that he was doing the exact same thing as me my heart kind of sank. I knew immediately that I couldn’t compete with the beast that was carlos whittaker. Needless to say, he got 121 comments and I got 3.

You are probably sitting there thinking, “are you kidding me Kyle, you are upset because someone got more prayer request than you?”
Great point, trust me I said the same thing to myself. Selfishly I would have loved to had tons of people want me to pray for them. But that really was not my motive when I posted the idea for the prayer service. I knew that there were several friends without jobs, other friends who just had a baby, and other friends that really needed prayer (including myself). This was the reason for the prayer service. The deflation became the issue  because I had pretty high expectations of what it could have been (based on how it went in the past with other prayer services) and was hoping to spend hours praying with people.

I know that God can listen to everyone’s prayers. And no, I do not think I am the only one who should be allowed to pray for others. What hit me in the gut was the reality that I would be lucky to have 10 prayer request compared to 110 and that others wanted Carlos to pray for them and not me. But I went about my way and decided to go through with the prayer service even if the only person that was going to join me was my dog (all dogs go to heaven). Well that was about how many people showed up. It was me and my sister. The funny thing about it was that she was in the room next to me watching while I was praying over my web cam. Pretty humbling….

Inside of my loneliness I realized that it wasn’t about me. Pretty crazy idea? Prayer is not about you. But really, that was what prayer had been for me in the past. I was going to pray and people were going to be helped and all was going to be right in the world. But in reality I sat in my room alone, getting ready to pray in front of an audience of one. This hit me like a ton of bricks. And as I sat there debating on praying or not, I realized that at that moment I was missing the point completely. I had to get back to my original intent of the prayer service, to lift up the needs of others to a loving and gracious God.

I prayed for you yesterday. Yes, each and everyone one of you. I realized that at that moment I was going to do what I said I was going to do, pray. And that is what I did. For 30 minutes I sat there in my office chair and prayed out loud in front of a computer screen. It was so boring that my sister stopped watching after a couple of minutes. It is funny for me to type this out. Because I can almost hear what people are saying right now, “you got upset because no one showed up?” Ya at first I did, but then I realized that I do not pray to any of you, I pray to a loving and gracious God.

Thank You Carlos for being you and having the desire to care for others and lift them up in prayer.
Because of this I was able to get back to why I pray and who I pray too. Not to you, or a statue, or a person, but I pray to a God that hears prayers and loves His children.
Sometimes you just have to laugh at yourself for trying to get ahead of God by doing what you think is a good thing.

*Kyle

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Stick with me on this one, but I think this is how we go through life. Standing in a place where we are making a big life decision or a change of career. It seems pretty obvious as to where we should go. If your a guy you go into the guys door and if your a girl, well you get the idea. But how many times do we go busting down doors without even looking.

I remember one time when we were on a family vacation to Chicago. We stopped for what seems like our 5th time (that is what happens when you travel with girls) to go to the bathroom. We pulled into McDonalds, piled out of the car and did our business. There was only one problem, McDonalds switched the doors on us. The guys bathroom was on the right side and the girls was on the left. I remember not even looking up as I walked through the familiar left side. I stood there for a second wondering where all the urinals went. I chalked it up to the feminist culture and thought that maybe McDonalds was jumping on the band wagon of feminizing guys and urinals were a thing of the past. As I was doing my business I heard my Mom and sisters come into what I thought was the guys room. I flushed and walked out, you would have thought they had seen a ghost. “What are you doing in here” I asked. “Going to the bathroom in OUR restroom” my sister said. Quickly I checked the front of the door and realized that I was in the women’s restroom. Kind of embarrassing.

At times in our lives we go through the door that we are use to, the one that we want to go through. Thinking that this is the right way we go about our business and move on our way until suddenly we are caught with our pants down and embarrassed.

I wonder how many times I knock down doors instead of letting the doors be opened by God? Often I want to make my own path and not follow the way of the Lord.

In Jeremiah we meet a man named Hananiah. He made his own doors and was punished by God. In Jeremiah 28, Hananiah takes matters into his own hands and declares to Israel that God is going to deliver them. He pretty much speaks for God. Jeremiah later delivers a message to Hananiah, telling him that because you think you know what is best and can speak for God you will be dead soon. In verse 17 we see that Hananiah died in the next year.

Not saying that you will die if you decide to make your own door, but we see in scripture that there are consequences to moving without God. Just ask Saul how that worked out for him.

Did you know that rhinos are really fast? They can run up to 25 mph.
Did you know that rhinos can only see 30 feet ahead of them? Often times I think we are like rhinos charging ahead hoping that in 30 feet there won’t be a wall. Today, I encourage you(me included) to see the doors that God is opening. Instead of charging through like a rhino we look for the doors that God is opening for us.

Thoughts?
Agree, Disagree?

*Kyle

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This is the view you would get if you walked into my “office” and you were color blind. I have spent the last three months of my life sitting in that chair at that computer, “working.” You might laugh at that last statement, working. But honestly I have been working more than I ever have.
A typical day for me starts around 8 o’clock with a bowl of oatmeal and a cup of coffee. After reading my Bible and doing my devotion out of Solo, I surf the internet for about an hour or two. Around 11 or so is when my day can take several different paths, either I created graphics/logos, work on the blogs, or search the internet for resources.
This is what I do all day….and I love it.

A couple of weeks ago someone asked me what my dream job would be, honestly I had no clue how to answer that question. For the past two weeks that question has haunted me like a Miley Cyrus song, I don’t want to think about it, but it keeps popping up in my head. For the last month I have been looking for a job. I have had several opportunities present themselves to me, but for some reason I just don’t get excited about them. I am like most 23 year old’s, I have no clue what I want to do with my life.

As I was hangin with my buddy (pictured on the left) I realized something…I am doing my dream job right now. Sitting in my parents basement is my dream job. No, not because I don’t have to go to work, but because it gives me the opportunity to do what I do best, share. My dream job is sharing resources, thoughts, ideas, conversations, and any other thing you can think sharing has to do with, except for food.
“How can this be my dream job when it is not even a job?” Great question, my Mom asked the same thing. I can only answer this question with another question, How Can It Not? Why can’t I do what I feel God has created me to do? I am sure that there are other talents that I have that I use daily, but I feel that God has placed it in my heart to help others. I care deeply about the church, about my friends, and about the ones that do not know the grace of the cross. I have always had the idea that I cannot reach the whole world, but I can influence five people that can influence five more people and so on. One way that I feel like I am taking part in the spreading of the gospel is through sharing with others things that I feel will help them in their ministry and life.

I don’t know exactly what this looks like. I know that I cannot sit in my parents basement for the rest of my life. But, I know that I will always be sharing with someone. Some might call it mavening, some might call it annoying, I call it a way of life.

My next step is to find a place where I can be someone who shares. A role that I dreamed up today is someone that works at a church as the resource adviser. Being responsible to give out resources to the staff, the church, and the community. Having conversations with the Music minister about why Chris Tomlin is lame (thats not sharing, that’s common sense), talking with the creative arts director about a great site for free textures, or talking to the community pastor about a book he/she should check out, these are just some of the things that I see myself doing. To make up for what looks like a lack of work, I would also be on the creative arts team helping with graphics, web 2.0, and services on Sunday.

This might sound pretty far fetched, but one of the biggest trends right now inside church world is coaching. I think this is in some form coaching. I don’t claim to have it all figured out or be the expert on anything. I feel like I am able to help people find what they are looking for, and if I don’t know what they are looking for, finding someone that does.

That’s my dream, you can either Shatter my Dream or help me Dream a little more.
What do you think? Pretty Crazy Idea? Any Possibilities?
Do you want to Hire me?

Dare to Dream
*Kyle

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