“The most terrible poverty is loneliness, and the feeling of being unloved”
Loneliness is a problem, it is something that no one should ever feel or deal with. And yet, the reason we can sympathize with Mother Teresa and ones that are lonely is because we have all been there ourselves. At some point in life we have felt the deep and suppressing feeling of loneliness.
I was all alone yesterday. Standing in the open with no one around to join me.
“How Can I Pray For You?//http://bit.ly/OsKkb” This was the tweet that greeted me Tuesday morning from Loswhit. It really caught me off guard. For a brief second I thought he was referring to my post I published the day before called “prayer service” where I called for people to leave comments on how I and others could pray for them. It was a pretty simple task and was hoping that we could all meet up on Thursday at 4 and pray together. Why did I think he was referring to my post? When I published the post I also sent out an email to everyone in my address book, which loswhit just so happened to be in my address book because he emailed me about calling him a whore (long story). I clicked the link hoping for the best, what I got was not exactly what I was looking for. This was where the link took me.
Now I will be honest, I got the idea from loswhit, I even blogged about the last time he had a prayer service and he blogged about me here.
I already understood that I was stealing from him. But when I opened up his page and realized that he was doing the exact same thing as me my heart kind of sank. I knew immediately that I couldn’t compete with the beast that was carlos whittaker. Needless to say, he got 121 comments and I got 3.
You are probably sitting there thinking, “are you kidding me Kyle, you are upset because someone got more prayer request than you?”
Great point, trust me I said the same thing to myself. Selfishly I would have loved to had tons of people want me to pray for them. But that really was not my motive when I posted the idea for the prayer service. I knew that there were several friends without jobs, other friends who just had a baby, and other friends that really needed prayer (including myself). This was the reason for the prayer service. The deflation became the issue because I had pretty high expectations of what it could have been (based on how it went in the past with other prayer services) and was hoping to spend hours praying with people.
I know that God can listen to everyone’s prayers. And no, I do not think I am the only one who should be allowed to pray for others. What hit me in the gut was the reality that I would be lucky to have 10 prayer request compared to 110 and that others wanted Carlos to pray for them and not me. But I went about my way and decided to go through with the prayer service even if the only person that was going to join me was my dog (all dogs go to heaven). Well that was about how many people showed up. It was me and my sister. The funny thing about it was that she was in the room next to me watching while I was praying over my web cam. Pretty humbling….
Inside of my loneliness I realized that it wasn’t about me. Pretty crazy idea? Prayer is not about you. But really, that was what prayer had been for me in the past. I was going to pray and people were going to be helped and all was going to be right in the world. But in reality I sat in my room alone, getting ready to pray in front of an audience of one. This hit me like a ton of bricks. And as I sat there debating on praying or not, I realized that at that moment I was missing the point completely. I had to get back to my original intent of the prayer service, to lift up the needs of others to a loving and gracious God.
I prayed for you yesterday. Yes, each and everyone one of you. I realized that at that moment I was going to do what I said I was going to do, pray. And that is what I did. For 30 minutes I sat there in my office chair and prayed out loud in front of a computer screen. It was so boring that my sister stopped watching after a couple of minutes. It is funny for me to type this out. Because I can almost hear what people are saying right now, “you got upset because no one showed up?” Ya at first I did, but then I realized that I do not pray to any of you, I pray to a loving and gracious God.
Thank You Carlos for being you and having the desire to care for others and lift them up in prayer.
Because of this I was able to get back to why I pray and who I pray too. Not to you, or a statue, or a person, but I pray to a God that hears prayers and loves His children.
Sometimes you just have to laugh at yourself for trying to get ahead of God by doing what you think is a good thing.